


we don't stop and we don't quit (its when we do that shit happens)

by -yangtangliu (timeisaconstruct)



Series: world is on fire [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Mental Breakdown, Mentioned Huang Ren Jun, Mentioned Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Mentioned Mark Lee (NCT), Mentioned Na Jaemin, Mentioned Park Jisung (NCT), Mentioned Zhong Chen Le, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2021-02-24 21:02:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22004407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timeisaconstruct/pseuds/-yangtangliu
Summary: Though it probably doesn't matter because he already heard Donghyuck announce he's sleeping in the couch forreasons. He's awkward and Jeno knows it. "Why is everyone awkward, why are they all so fucking awkward, around me and each other? Ju-just stop!" he's still whispering to himself.
Series: world is on fire [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1874164
Kudos: 19





	we don't stop and we don't quit (its when we do that shit happens)

**Author's Note:**

> please, please, go read the tags again. there is a high possibility you will get triggered if you have cut/self-harmed before or have had thoughts of self-harm.
> 
> National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

It hurts. Well, it's not a particular outside hurting that he could ever identify. Not like the bite of frostbite on Jeno's tender skin. For one, the stages they perform on and the places they've been, around this time of the year are pretty warm. Mark's older brother sometimes Mark sends pictures of snow. These pictures—when he used to visit the dorms would show to them. It doesn't look any colder than it was and will be in June, July, and August. But Mark hasn't been at the dorms in a while, even if that's, not the point. So what he's saying, is that it's not cold, neither is the hurting he gets.

Nor is it ever hot when he has to do it up on the stage. To be reasonable, and to think like a fan, the czennies, the dreamzens who he does it all for. Jeno would probably give his world up to gain their satisfaction, he bitterly reminds himself. Even if it hurts. Sure the centres get warm, as he says. But really? Mid performance? When he had to work with the group for so long like that to get a perfect timing? _And_ change the choreography as well to fit his special move? No sirree.

The hurt, the _pain_ that he feels, probably could not be even diagnosed by a doctor. Maybe there's something wrong in his head.

"Why couldn't it be Jaemin?" Jeno sniffles under his breath as he tries to mask his crying. 

Though it probably doesn't matter because he already heard Donghyuck announce he's sleeping in the couch for _reasons_. He's awkward and Jeno knows it. "Why is everyone awkward, why are they all so fucking awkward, around me and each other? Ju-just stop!" he's still whispering to himself. 

Most of him want someone to burst through his door, wrap their arms around his small—according to Taeyong he's growing _oh so big_ —frame and kiss him on the lips, while she tells him its okay because she's here. But why would that happen? Why would anyone care? 

"I hate it. I hate it. I hate it." he whispers like a mantra. Even though Jeno wants to talk out loud, yell, maybe even _scream his lungs out and hope someone will **fucking hear him**_. He knows they won't. He can try but it won't work. Nothing ever does. 

What he hates is thinking about the whole process altogether. He can't and doesn't really _want_ to remember the worst part but it's probably the beginning. Beforehand, the mangers will tell him and the other members whether or not he'll do it. So they know which choreography to use. They are the ones who will decide whether or not he's gonna cry himself to sleep tonight again or not. Then it's the impending doom—to Jeno, its really that bad—of knowing what he will have to do, when, and the reason why (or lack of a reason) no else can do it. 

Next, they walk out. Together, even if Jeno has been feeling more and more apart lately. Together, even if Jeno would rather not be with them altogether. If not for the fans, then for whom? 

His parents? The ones that signed him up to this slave contract and think he's overreacting when he tries to say anything about the company. Not even about his mental state. They have no problem listening to his younger brother and will listen and try to change any bad that comes his way. But not smiley, A+ Jeno who never complains and takes all that he can get.

His bandmates, then? The ones who ignore his breakdowns and never bother to ask if he's ever okay when he walks out with red eyes and messy hair. The ones who have no problem doing it to each other but not to Jeno, weird ol' Jeno who sits in the corner and is only good for his dumb ASMR and his eye smiles when _they're_ having a bad day. 

"What about me?" he brokenly sighs as more meaningless tears fall down his face. He feels so pathetic, so _fucking pathetic_. "What if I have one?"

Didn't Renjun and he watches movies, just them only, on Renjun's tablet every Friday? Didn't Donghyuck silently amble in the bathroom and brush teeth with him every morning? Didn't he and Jisung go out and take pictures in the dead of midnight? Weren't he and Jaemin best friends who did everything together, not breaking promises or keeping secrets? Didn't Chenle come and practice when Jeno wanted to late into the night because he too felt like he just didn't get it? 

Nowadays Renjun was, way too tired from practice, but still invites chenle for there _chinese_ only sleepover's. Nowadays Donghyuck is at the 127 dorms or sleeping on the couch more than ever, just as Jisung hasn't knocked on the room to his door, camera in hand, gesturing the door of the dorm in silence. It even feels like Jaemin _his own best friend_ is ignoring him. And Jeno knows he hasn't had practised after hours with chenle in months. 

Jeno just wants a shoulder to cry on and an actual person he knows loves him to rely on him. 

Which leads him to think about heading out on stage together and walking out. After they do that, the choreo follows. It's engraved in his brain and despite feeling like he might, he knows he won't dare mess up. His feet hit the floor and he forces his body to move in time with the music and the moves he knows practically by heart from hours of training. His voice to spits out the lyrics that he and the members laboured over all those months ago to make sure have good flow and sounded nice. And like the world is burning and all that can save it is hitting all the right notes, Jeno will push himself barely touching his limit. Every day, every night. Nonstop. Like exo's new song.

Then, he'll do it. Pull in one harsh move what feels like his worst life decisions and fears all rolled into one and simply toss it aside upon the stage. Afterwards, he'll then continue while smiling that devilish smile that's supposed to charm the crowd. And by the dreadful screams that always accompany it, it must work. Such simple things that have such big acts upon his mind, his body, his entire being. Even his soul.

Parts of him tell him to suck it up and deal with it but _he is_. And it didn't even change. Nothing happened and he still feels uncomfortable unstage, uncomfortable with no clothes on top. Like he's out in the open as a present and his members simply show him off. And then the logical part of his brain says that's not true but Jeno daily questions whether it's really all that logical anyhow. It's been a while since he's ever questioned something like that.

And then the show ends but we all know its not the ending for Jeno's pain. They undress, all in the same room ("your all-boys why does it matter?" the mangers had waved them off with). And a staff member comments that Jeno has a nice body. But Renjun only laughs and points to Jaemin's chest. 

"Your lacking." Its usually like this, comparing them like pigs for sale on a farm out in the country. 

Jaemin never minds, but Jeno does. He knows he'll never find the courage to speak up. They redress in normal clothes, slip on masks, and run out the back door to vans waiting to take them home. Avoiding the saesangs that try to harass them. Arriving at the dorms in silence, each member retiring to their rooms or somewhere else (i.e. donghyuck on the couch). And Jeno? Jeno to his room. Jeno to feel uncomfortable in the silence of his darkroom. Jeno to finally let his emotions free. Jeno to let the _real Jeno_ free.

**Author's Note:**

> this was, this was something
> 
> [ curious cat ](https://curiouscat.me/litteralydonghyuck)  
> [twitter ](https://twitter.com/pR38RElQQxK1iiu)  
> 


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